Grieving the death of a loved one is a profound and complex experience, especially for children who may struggle to understand their emotions and articulate their feelings. As adults, we play a vital role in helping children navigate this difficult journey. As we embark on the holiday season (a time when our loved ones’ absence might be particularly apparent), here are some effective strategies for supporting children through grief, including communication techniques and key dos and don’ts.

Understanding Grief in Children

Children may experience grief differently than adults. 

They might show signs of sadness, anger, or confusion, but they can also express their feelings through play or other activities. It’s important to recognize that grief is not linear; children may revisit their feelings at various stages as they process the loss.

If the loved one who passed was essential to the stability of the child’s world (a parent or guardian), the child might display more infantile behavior or regression in behaviors, in an attempt to get his or her needs met. This could look like refusing certain foods, seeking closeness or cuddling, baby talk, or bed wetting.

Children often believe that they are the “cause” of changes in the world around them, so it is very possible that the child in your life could feel as though the death was his or her fault. Maybe at one time or another during a conflict, the child wished the loved one to “go away” or to “die”. And now with the actualization of that event, the child may feel extreme guilt, believing that the wish came true.

So … what do you do? With such a heavy topic, communication (although likely uncomfortable) is key. Here are some strategies to help you navigate support for your child:

Let’s Talk: Helpful Communication Strategies

1. ‍Create a Safe Space: Encourage an open and honest environment where children feel safe to express their feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to talk about their loved one and their emotions. Modeling this behavior (talking about your own emotions surrounding the loss) is the best way to show children that it’s okay.
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2. Use Age-Appropriate Language: Tailor your language to the child’s developmental level. Younger children may need simpler explanations, while older children might understand more complex concepts about death and loss.
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3. Encourage Expression: Invite children to express their feelings in different ways. This could include drawing, writing letters, or engaging in creative play. These activities can serve as valuable outlets for their emotions.
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4. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Facilitate conversations by asking open-ended questions such as, “What do you remember most about them?” or “How do you feel when you think about them?” This invites deeper reflection and sharing.
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5. Be Honest: If a child asks questions about death, respond honestly while being sensitive to their feelings. Avoid euphemisms that might confuse them, such as “gone to sleep.” Instead, use clear, straightforward language.

Things to Do

✅ Validate Their Feelings: Let children know that it’s normal to feel a range of emotions when grieving. Reassure them that sadness, anger, and confusion are all valid responses.

✅ Share Your Own Feelings: It’s okay to share your own feelings of grief. This can help normalize their emotions and foster connection. Just be mindful to keep the focus on their experience.

✅ Maintain Routines: Keeping daily routines can provide a sense of stability and security for grieving children. Familiarity helps ground them during difficult emotional times.

✅ Encourage Remembrance: Help children find ways to honor and remember their loved one, whether through creating memory boxes, participating in memorial activities, or sharing stories. It can be as simple as making Grandma’s favorite cookies together, or visiting the late loved one’s favorite restaurant.

✅ Offer Continuous Support: Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. Check in regularly with the child, even after some time has passed. Let them know you’re there for them, no no matter how long it takes.

Things Not to Do

❌ Don’t Minimize Their Grief: Avoid phrases like “You’ll get over it” or “They’re in a better place.” These phrases are usually used with such good intentions, but rarely help a child to feel better. Rather, these statements can invalidate their feelings and may make them feel misunderstood.

❌ Avoid Overprotectiveness: While it’s natural to want to shield children from further pain, be cautious not to avoid conversations about the loss. Instead, allow them to express their feelings openly.

❌ Don’t Force Conversations: If a child isn’t ready to talk, don’t push them. Allow them the space to open up when they feel comfortable. Sometimes, just being present is enough.

❌ Steer Clear of Clichés: Phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” can be unhelpful. Focus instead on genuine support and understanding.

❌ Don’t Rush the Process: Grieving takes time, and everyone processes loss differently.Be patient and allow the child to grieve at their own pace.

Other Resources in the Community

Supporting a child through grief is a difficult job, and one you don’t have to do alone.

Fortunately, we have many resources in the community that can help, and here are a few I recommend:

Children’s Bereavement Program | Benefis Health System

Support offered includes:

• Children’s books on death and dying. Books about children and grief.
• Support information about the developmental stages of children and common reactions to grief.
• Personalized memory books about the child and his/her loved one.
• Over-the-phone support and one to one visits across north central Montana.
• Camp Francis: Bereavement camp for children 7-12 years old in the month of June.
• Darcy’s Hope Teen Retreat: Bereavement camp for teens 13-18 years old held the third week of October.

School-Based Grief Groups

Many elementary, middle, and high schools offer different support groups including grief groups.

These groups can provide children the opportunity to connect with others who may be sharing similar feelings surrounding the death of a loved one.

Individual Counseling

Individual counseling with a licensed professional counselor can be a great support for both

adults and children navigating grief. A counselor or therapist can assist with the processing of emotions, while providing support with other byproducts of grief including anxiety, depression, and underlying trauma that may surface as a result of a major loss.

Remember …

You do not have to be an expert on grief to support the child in your life.

Most importantly, have patience with your child and yourself. Keep communication open. Encourage expression of feelings, and consider that “expression” can look different for everyone. Finally, reach out for help and support from our Great Falls community. We got you!

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